Yes, you read that right.
After much thought and deliberation, several lists of pros and cons, reviewing our budget and reviewing it again, Brian and I have decided that I will become a stay at home mom to raise our two girlies. I am SUPER excited about this. After all, I had wanted to stay home with Kate when she was born, but it just didn't make sense for us financially to do that. Now that we've got the cost of TWO girls in a daycare setting, we figured out that we more or less would be paying someone else to raise our children. Top that with the fact that I am not working my "dream job" per se, whatever that may be, and add in the fact that I actually WOULD like to raise my girls myself, and it made sense for me to stay home
This has been an incredibly difficult decision. On the one hand, I am excited and optimistic about the things that Kate and Maya will learn and experience with me teaching them. On the other hand, I wonder if this is the right decision. After all, Kate has been in the daycare/school setting since she was 12 weeks old. She's been around kids her age for all time, at least in her memory. And it pains me to think that she will just have piddly ol' me to play with now instead of peers her own age. But it doesn't pain me enough to not make this decision.
Telling Kate's school that we would be removing Kate from enrollment was extremely difficult. It was a very emotional day for me. (Hard Decision + Postpartum Hormones = Emotional Wreck). I cried that morning, I cried having to tell the Director, I cried on the way home. We let her school know a little over a month in advance and told them that Kate would be enrolled through the end of September.
And here we are. Our last day of school.
The thing about this school is we really loved the opportunity we had to send Kate there. If she couldn't be with me at home, this school was the next best thing. We were extremely happy with the majority of the teachers in each classroom we entered and we really enjoyed seeing and learning about how much fun Kate was having via art projects, notes home, and when she got older - from her actually telling us. Now, don't get me wrong. We had our days when nobody wanted to go to school, but they were pretty far and few in between. We were comfortable with this school, and I learned that if you can't be with your own child, you have to be 150% comfortable with the person/people/institution/etc. that are with your child, otherwise you will drive yourself crazy having to leave her.
It is here, at this very school, that Kate met her best friend, Libby. It is here that she learned about sharing and caring and being kind to her mates. At home, of course we enforce and reinforce all of these, but there's no one else to share or care or be kind to that is Kate's age, so it's different.
And since we've made the decision for me to stay home, that is something we will all have to adjust to. It will just be yet another transition.
Like I said, I am extremely excited about this new opportunity to stay home and raise these beautiful babies of mine. I am extremely thankful to Brian for being able to support us financially and for being open to this idea. I am so looking forward to seeing all of Maya's firsts "first", for real, and seeing how quickly Kate picks up the things that we'll be learning. I know she's incredibly smart, so I plan to exercise her smarts daily to keep her little mind growing.
But there's a bigger emotion that has clouded my optimism. I am scared out of my mind with this transition. Like, lie awake at night and think about this scared. Like, someone please hold me scared. Like, sh*t my pants scared.
What if we are making the wrong decision? What if our happy go-lucky little girl becomes sullen and withdrawn? My heart would break a million times over if I knew I was the cause of something so sad. What if [you fill in the blank]?
At the end of the day, I keep telling myself that we have three more years before she is in Kindergarten (unless we test her in which is not totally of the docket) since Kate's birthday is at the end of October. That means, at the minimum, if she was home with Maya and me for one year, that still leaves at least a year, probably two, that she can be enrolled in a pre-school type setting should we think being around peers her age would be beneficial. But, within that year, if all goes well at home, perhaps she'll stay until Kinder and then Maya and I will walk her to school on her very first day. (I'm just going to let you know in advance that I'll be crying then too.)
I don't know if we've made the right decision nor do I think it's possible to know at this point. We just have to make our best decision with the cards we have in hand. And, right now, that means me being home with my two little loves.
After I dropped Kate off at school today I let her old teachers know that today was her last day, just in case they wanted to say goodbye. I had nothing but positive thoughts and reassurance that I was making the right decision from them, which was definitely hopeful.
When I picked Kate up, it was like every other normal pick-up day. I went in, spoke to her teachers about the day, and we said goodbye.
Just like that.
We walked out with everything that we had - extra clothes, art projects that were still hanging, blankets, and a little poster from her teachers.
And tomorrow begins our new chapter at home together. I keep reminding myself that I can do this and the feelings that I'm feeling are what being a Mom is all about. I will never stop worrying and I will never stop wanting the best for my children. It's just ingrained in me. I have never felt so lucky or blessed to be who I am, be the Mom that I am, and have the two girls that I do than I do right now. Becoming a Mom has changed me, but is has, without a doubt, been the best change of my life.
I may not know if this is the right decision, but I do know that I won't ever get this time with my girls again. So I'm going to do my best to embrace it, to enjoy it, and to take one step (or day) at a time.
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